The Grief we experience when someone is dying

Caught in the liminal space of life and death

Bound by suffering, terrified of relief, holding onto hope

Anticipatory grief is the shared space when someone we know is dying, where the world feels cold, you feel alone, and caught in a sea of emotions.

Anticipatory grief reminds us that we are loved, we love and the fear of that love ending.

At some point, for most of us, we will find ourselves with an aging parent, thus beginning the process of anticipatory grief. Anticipatory grief is what we experience when we know someone we love is dying, usually due to illness. We find ourselves in a conflicted space of emotions as we hold onto life and deal with the imminence of death.

For many, anticipatory grief can be unbearable. We shame ourselves when we think of the relief we will feel when the suffering is over not only for our beloved and ourselves. Not because we are selfish but because knowing someone is dying is a heartwrenching experience. Full of ups and downs and a myriad of emotions. This wish for relief taps into our humanness, the desire to alleviate suffering. Not wanting them to die, we often cling to hope, searching for miracle cures, excited by good days followed by the dread that another bad day is on the horizon. We talk with doctors, healers, friends and family about how to stop the dying process, slow it down and alleviate the pain. Another conflict can arise when the dying desires something different than the living. It is vital to have advanced directives so that the dying can have a voice in the end of their days.

If you have read my blog or are familiar with me, you know I am a counselor and a thanatologist. If you are new here, welcome. I work with the bereaved and the dying. Furthermore, I have witnessed my mother’s cancer journey.

Grief and death are something our society tries to push away and hide from. Death is part of life. Dealing with someone’s death will happen to all of us. I am here to normalize the process and to provide guidance and support on your journey. You are not alone.

Anticipatory grief is like a roller coaster ride of emotions and experiences, with lulls, sharp curves, slow uphills, and drastic falls. We desperately want off the roller coaster and, at the same time, are terrified to exit the ride. We seek relief, this ride is unpredictable, uncomfortable, and uncertain. We long to return to what was, to feel grounded, settled, and certain. And yet, we know once we are off this roller coaster, our beloved will not join us as we board the next ride grief.

If you are experiencing anticipatory grief:

it is crucial that you be gentle with yourself

Give yourself time and space to process all the feelings

Seek support from friends, family, support groups, therapy

Remind yourself that everything you feel is part of the process, and it’s okay to want off the roller coaster and stay on at the same time

Make time to eat, shower, sleep, tend to yourself

If you know someone who is experiencing anticipatory grief:

Let them know you are thinking of them

Offer them space to be (they don’t have to talk about what’s going on, they might need something else to do, like dinner or a movie, a hike)

Accept them for where they are, they might not be the person you are used to, and that’s okay, they are grieving

Bring them food or send food, offer to clean their home, send a plant. Are they any services you can provide them?

Anticipatory grief is a wild ride of emotions and experiences. You are allowed to feel all the feels. To feel like you are holding it together by the thread. You are human. This grief is a reminder of that experience.

Coming soon: anticipatory grief part 2- when you are dying